According to this article, children who are raised in homes with fighting parents are likely to engage in unhealthy relationships in adulthood, even more so than children whose parents have divorced and are living separately. Because parents are children's first and most influential role models, children learn interpersonal behaviors from observing their parents. If children learn behavior that is jealous, moody, and critical from their parents, they are much more likely to display those qualities in their own relationships.
This poses an interesting dilemma for feuding couples with the best interests of their children in mind. Many times, parents will stay together solely for the fact of not disrupting the normal, everyday lives of their children. Some couples feel that they would be able to provide a more stable home environment for their children through a loveless marriage than they would be able to should they divorce and force their children into lives of two bedrooms, two home routines, and split holiday schedules. On the other hand, parents may actually be hurting their children by exposing them to tumultuous marriages for the sake of trying to maintain a degree of normalcy in their lives.To what extent are children's relationships influenced by their parents'? Is it better for fighting parents to divorce or stay together for the sake of their children? Is it more important for children to remain comfortable in the lives they are used in spite of a failing marriage or for parents to divorce at the expense of their children's stable home lives?
As I get older, I can see my personality shaping like my mothers. My mom is very organized and somewhat of a control freak. Before this use to bother me but now I can see myself turning into her control habits when it comes to little things. One example that comes to mind is baking cookies with my little brother. I always have to be in control when cutting the dough or spraying the pan. These little things can annoy people. One person that annoys most is my father. Sometimes this gets my parents into arguments because my mother tries to do everything her way. When I see them arguing, this definitely effects how I feel and gets me disappointed. Luckily my parents do not fight much but it is draining to see the ones you love fight. I believe that if you see your parents fighting over small things than in future relationships it effects you and makes you think that it is okay to get into petty arguments. I believe the happier the home, the better relationship will come between your parents and any of your future relationships.
ReplyDeleteIf a child sees their parents learning how to forgive one another or compromise on ideas then these ideas will shape our personality since their actions affect us. If two parents are separated or divorced, then this could be better than fighting married parents because then you do not see what fighting is like in a relationship and you can teach your child that people grow apart sometimes. The only downside of not having two parents at home when you are young is that you do not get to see what a functional relationship looks like. But in my opinion, I believe that it is better to get separated than stay in an unhealthy marriage because it is draining for your child to watch their parents argue.
I can definitely see how my parents have influenced my personality. I have grown to be organized, responsible, and understanding like my mother. I see my dad in the fact that I am a risky taker, outgoing, and have a good sense of humor. On the other hand, I have learned from the way my parents handle situations and themselves. I have applied these observations to myself by taking on the good traits and modifying the bad traits. By combining these, I hope to create the most perfect version of them and myself.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to parents either staying together in a loveless marriage or divorcing I am kind of conflicted. I definitely can see how living in a home with parental tensions can negatively effect the children. They can grow bitter and moody like their parents and this will cause difficulty in the future relationships of the kids. Conversely, living with parents who clearly have some issues yet stay together for the sake of their kids can be beneficial to their children, who will be able to learn problem solving skills and selflessness. I have seen both cases so I can not pick a side in this argument.
I definitely agree that our parents' behavior and actions affect us, but I don't think that staying in a relationship that isn't working is always beneficial for the children. If a child's parents are constantly fighting then the child is going to learn that yelling and arguing is normal. I think that sometimes separating is best for the child because they can still grow up with loving parents, they just won't be fighting. My sister is from my dad's previous marriage and she doesn't mind that her parents aren't together. She is glad to have two families and it was better for her to grow up with two sets of parents who had loving, functional relationships than two parents who constantly fought with each other.
ReplyDeleteThis argument is actually really interesting because I do agree that very often, children reflect the behavior of their parents, whether it be positive or negative. Growing up watching your parents fight all the time can't really have many benefits and I have seen by observing families with this type of relationship that Megan's argument is valid. The only portion of this I'm not sure about, is whether or not divorce or separation is more beneficial for the child's development. I think it depends on to what extent the parents fight because having a normal family structure without the stress of divorced parents, may be more helpful for the struggling child.
ReplyDeleteI feel that it is not completely detrimental for a feuding couple to stay together for the sake of their children's comfort. Like Christine mentioned, if a child can recognize that their parents behavior is negative, they can learn from their experience and apply their knowledge to avoid these actions in their own relationships. I can say from experience that my parents have gotten into some heated fights and arguments, but they are still married and live together. Their relationship has not affected me detrimentally, but has benefited me in they way I handle my relationship with others. Whenever I get into a disagreement or an argument with a friend, I remember my previous observations of my parents and try to avoid making the same mistakes they make when they argue with each other. I think if a child is aware that their parents' actions and reactions are negative, they can take this observation and alter their behavior so it deviates from their parents' behavior.
ReplyDeleteI also think that your parents play a major role in your personality. However, I think that sometimes we don't always end up like our parents, but we end up opposite. I know that certain things about my mom still bother me and I tell myself that I am going to not become that when I'm older. There are positives and negatives to everything, so I think I take the things I like about my mom and try to embody them myself while weeding out the traits I don't like. It may sound strange, but I'm trying not to become exactly like my mom.
ReplyDeleteAnd regarding divorce, I think that if there are real reasons for a separation, then it should happen. No child wants to grow up in an environment where there is constant fighting. Even though growing up in a family where your parents are divorced is hard, growing up with parents who have an empty marriage could affect you more negatively.
Our personalities are most definitely influenced by our parents, as proven both in class and in personal experiences. Megan raised an interesting question regarding marriage and divorce: is it better to stay married for the sake of normalcy for the children? Her post leads me to believe it is not better. Children pick up on the little nuances between hostile parents and they certainly pick up on intense arguments. These can cause children to alter their behavior and even to blame themselves. Sure, staying together prevents the child from having to change their lives, but who says change is a bad thing. Children are consistently resilient. They adapt quickly. While parents divorcing may seem catastrophic at the time, the children will move forward from it and adapt to the changes in their lives. The adaptations children adopt from divorce are probably much healthier than those they would adopt in the midst of a bickering household.
ReplyDeleteI too agree that our behavior, personalities, and relationships are
ReplyDeleteinfluenced by our parent's interactions. We grow up mimicking our
parent's every action. From a healthy relationship kids learn honesty,
trust, and compromising skills, but unfortunately issues and bad habits
from our parent's marriage can also be observed and carried over into their kid's future relationships. I know that divorce means change for a child in almost every aspect of their lives, but I think that in most cases it is
more beneficial for the parents to separate. Kids can sense tension
between their parents even when they do not hearing the screaming fights.
This tension and stress carries over into both their school and social
lives, and I don't think its fair to expose kids to such adult problems at
such a young age. Many people argue that as adults people realizes the
issues that their parents had and work hard to change them so that their
relationships do not have the same problems; however, in many cases this
does not happen. For example, boys who grow up in a physically violent
household are more likely to create a similar home environment when they
grow up. I believe that to have the ability to maintain healthy
relationships it is essential that adults to have had the opportunity to
observe and learn from other healthy and stable relationships.
I definitely agree that children's personalities and behavior are learned from their parents. Though some traits are inherited, a young child learns a lot from the way their parents behave and interact. It is difficult to determine if it is better for parents to divorce rather than stay together fighting because either option poses a potential threat to the child. However, I think that it is worse for a couple to stay together if they are always fighting. It is better to explain to the child when they are old enough to understand why the relationship didn't work out than to permanently damage their model of what a relationship should be like. It can alter the child's self-esteem and behavior as they get older, and well as them potentially getting themselves into an unhealthy relationship because that is what they were used to. Although divorce or separation is not an easy decision to make, I think it is better than having a child grow up in such a negative environment.
ReplyDeleteSee, I'm almost at an internal conflict with this question. I know people with parents that are together and constantly fighting and I know people who have parents that are separated. Honestly, neither seem like the ideal situation, but I do have to say separated parents seems to be the better option. Having parents that are always fighting does not just show instability in the marriage, but in the home as well.
ReplyDeleteI believe your home should be your safe place, the place you can go to unwind after a long day. With separated parents, I belief that is possible (no matter what home you go to). You can unwind at your mom's and then go for dinner at your dad's- any fighting that is going on (usually a lot less once separated), you are left out of.
Fighting parents on the other hand, create a volatile environment. It's like trying to duck at bombs being thrown across the room. You never know when your parents are going to fight, and even thought the fight is between them, you would probably still be able to feel the tension in the air.
Overall, I really think that separation over fighting is the way to go.
I think this more than a lot of other things completely depends on the family and the specific situation. Children learn a lot from their parents- my family all tells me I get exactly like my dad when I argue with them, which is really not a great comment overall- especially things like fighting and respect in a domestic environment, etc. Parents are the first people you ever know, and the first behaviors you will inevitably imitate as a child, and the first relationships you depict when talking and playing. A good friend of mine works in a kindergarten class as an aide, and she says immediately once playtime comes- kids with the stereotypical "happy families" run to the play house or doll house and immediately assign a mommy and a daddy, where kids with differences in their family life are quick to jump in with a "Why does there have to be two parents?" or "okay, I'll be the Daddy, I'll go play over there while Mommy stays here". Kids are so much more intuitive than people give them credit for, I think. They can pick up on things that not a lot of people think they can, and fighting is one of them. I know kids who have divorced parents and are completely "well adjusted", but I also know kids who's parents fought but remained together, and it can be insanely hard on them. While it all does depend on the family situation, the ideal is having every member of the family be happy and at peace, and if that means a separation, than my personal stance is go for it, but make sure to go about it the right way- the right way for the whole family, rather.
ReplyDeleteLike Shaina said, home should be your safe place, and whether that place has one parent, two parents, one parent in one house, the other in another, it all depends, but constant fighting is never going to end well, ever.